


Previously.

by steeleye



Series: It's Grim Up North. [24]
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV), Monty Python - Fandom
Genre: Action/Adventure, F/F, Humour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-23
Updated: 2019-04-25
Packaged: 2020-01-24 11:24:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18570460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/steeleye/pseuds/steeleye
Summary: A 'Grim Up North' story; starts with a warning to the Slayer Organisation. The domestic bliss of the Scoobies is about to be shattered by the long awaited arrival of the great demon (or possible hell-god) Tea-up-wanky!





	1. Chapter 1

Previously.

By Steeleye.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer, I write these stories for fun not profit.

 **Crossover:** Disc World, Monty Python.

 **Spelling, Punctuation, and Grammar:** Written in glorious UK-English which is different to US-English.

 **Timeline:** A 'Grim Up North' story.

 **Words:** Three chapters of 2500+ words.

 **Warnings:** Look both ways before crossing the road.

 **Summary:** A 'Grim Up North' story; starts with a warning to the Slayer Organisation. The domestic bliss of the Scoobies is about to be shattered by the long awaited arrival of the great demon (or possible hell-god) Tea-up-wanky!

xXx

**June, 2007.**

**The Rosenberg-Scapone Residence, Middlesbrough, Cleveland, Northern England.**

“Just look at me,” Willow sulked, “I'm the size of a house!”

“A very sexy house,” Kennedy replied as she glanced up from the magazine she'd been reading while she waited for Willow to come to bed.

“You'd say I looked sexy in a deep sea diver's outfit,” Willow pointed out as she turned away from the mirror and carefully made her way over to the bed she shared with her 'wife'.

“All that rubber,” Kennedy mused, “and the big heavy shoes so you can't run away,” she smiled at her partner, “what's there not to like?”

“Weirdo,” Willow muttered as she lowered herself into her side of the bed.

“Pervert,” Kennedy countered as she placed the magazine on her night stand and asked, “Do you want a back rub sweetie?”

“Please...” Willow sighed as moments later she felt Kennedy's strong fingers get to work on her spine.

Just over eight and a half months ago, after much soul searching, discussion and general faffing about, Willow had made a withdrawal from a sperm bank in Edinburgh. Having felt that life was passing her by, she'd announced to Kennedy that she wanted to start a family. At first Kennedy hadn't been so sure this was a good idea, but now she was actually excited at the prospect of being a 'mom' or even a 'mum'.

“What was that you were reading?” Willow asked as she luxuriated in not having an aching back for at least a few minutes.

“I've been thinking about collecting stuff again...” Kennedy replied as she started work on Willow's shoulders.

“Collecting?” Willow frowned.

“Yeah,” Kennedy nodded, “you know I did art history at school, right?”

“Uh-huh,” Willow replied.

“And I was pretty good at it.”

“I remember,” Willow nodded as she remembered how Kennedy could gauge the value of 'objects de art' just by looking at them.

“Well I thought I'd take it up again, as a hobby y'know?”

“So, what are you going to collect?” Willow wanted to know.

“Oh I don't know,” Kennedy replied innocently, “maybe porcelain figurines, china...weapons...”

“Typical slayer,” Willow sighed.

“Whatever,” Kennedy leant forward and kissed Willow on the neck, “it can wait until after the 'big day'.”

“Yeah,” Willow stroked her belly before climbing into bed properly, “only two more weeks and junior will be out and about...”

“And welcome to the world of midnight feedings and diapers,” Kennedy pointed out, “and isn't it time we chose a name for 'Junior'.”

“When we find out if junior's a little witch or a little watcher,” Willow pointed out; she'd not wanted to know the sex of her child because she'd wanted it to be a 'surprise'.

“Of course,” Kennedy continued, “then there's the new house to buy and a nanny to...”

“No nannies,” Willow said firmly, “and what's wrong with this house?”

“It'll be too small...”

This was a statement Willow didn't quite believe, their house had four bedrooms, it was quite large enough.

“Fooey,” Willow interrupted, “this place is totally big enough.”

“Not with a live in nanny,” Kennedy pointed out.

“I said no nannies,” Willow replied even more firmly, “look there's a nursery at the University,” Willow worked at the Computer Sciences Department at Middlesbrough University, “and Buffy said it was okay to bring Junior along when I'm teaching at Slayer Central...”

“You're willing to leave Junior in the care of some undereducated, junior, civil servant?” Kennedy pointed out darkly, “And you know how dangerous Central can be...”

“Not now Buffy's got the defence system fully operational, plus you're only a few yards away.” Willow explained; Kennedy worked as CEO of the European branch of her father's 'Import/Export' business which was situated on the site of the old holiday camp that the Slayer Organisation used as it's headquarters.

Sick of having people just wander into Slayer Central to plant false evidence against her or have her executive bathroom stolen by the CIA, or have religious fanatics mortaring the place; Buffy had had the 'Buffy Bunker' built; she'd also had 'Defence Lasers' connected up to the camp's CCTV system. Now anyone foolish enough to try and sneak into Slayer Central was in for a very nasty surprise. The surprise was that they'd find out what it was like being a smouldering corpse.

“I don't see why you don't want to have a nanny, or want to move into a bigger house,” Kennedy replied as she snuggled up to Willow.

“You can't get 'round me like that,” Willow had felt Kennedy's hand slip between her legs, “and I like our house and I want to be a proper mom...”

“Oh...” Kennedy withdrew her hand before kissing Willow on the cheek, “...I get it, you want to do the entire 'mom-thing', I can appreciate that.”

Kennedy's own childhood hadn't exactly been all roses which made her understand Willow's point of view and of course there was the emotional neglect that Willow had suffered. Her parents hadn't even made it to their civil partnership ceremony after saying they'd definitely be there. Of course as it turned out it was just as well they hadn't turned up; what with the insane witch and being banished to a reality suffering from a bad case of zombies.

“I love you...” Kennedy said as she got herself comfortable, “...and you know what the best thing is about loving you?”

“What?” Willow gestured and the lights went off.

“Because at the moment there's just a little more of you to love every day.”

“Awww,” Willow giggled, “you say the sweetest things Kennie.”

“Well, my father always says you're a good influence on me.”

“Yeah seeing how you were such a 'bitch' before you met me,” Willow agreed tongue in cheek.

“I know I was awful,” Kennedy grinned in the dark, “such a brat...”

“I know,” Willow agreed once more.

“You wanna have some orgasms?”

“Not tonight sweetie, sorry,” Willow sighed, “I'm too tired.”

“Okay,” Kennedy sounded just a little disappointed.

“We'll have plenty of time for orgasms once Junior's born!”

xXx

**The Martha Grimsdyke Memorial Library, Middlesbrough University.**

Stepping out of the 'cleaner's cupboard' as they called a 'janitor's closet' in England, Faith paused to look left and right. Everyone had gone home and she'd been hiding so people wouldn't notice that she hadn't. The library was illuminated only by its security lights at this time of night, but, Faith had no problem seeing where she was going. The stacks were deserted, after all it was nearly eleven o'clock and the students had all gone home to each others beds by now. Only a slayer, who also worked as a librarian, would be walking the halls of the MGML tonight. To be perfectly honest Faith would much rather be at home with Dawn than here at the library. But, she'd seen the evidence; she'd noticed the misplaced books, the discarded banana peel and the little piles of empty peanut shells. These were all signs and she knew what they meant.

Turning to her left, Faith walked between the stacks towards where the computers were kept, she knew her 'intruder' had a fascination with computers and the specialised internet porn it gave him access to. Having done a full days work at the library, Faith really hoped this wouldn't take too long. Hopefully she'd be able to find out what her visitor wanted and then she'd be able to go home. Dawn was on the day shift; she worked for the Cleveland Ambulance Service, so for once they'd be able to actually sleep together for more than a few hours.

Their jobs made fitting their lives together pretty awkward. Faith worked days, while at night she had her slayer duties. Okay, she wasn't out every night but it still cut into her 'Dawn time'. Dawn on the other hand worked both day and night shifts, somehow this always seemed to mean that they only got to see each other for a couple of hours a day. While there was a certain amount of truth in the old saying that 'absence makes the heart grow fonder', sometimes Faith felt there was more 'absence' than 'fonder'.

Coming around the end of a row of stacks, Faith saw her visitor's head silhouetted in the light from the monitor he was hunched over. Hearing the soft snuffling sounds and the occasional 'ook' from her guest, Faith crept closer until she'd come up right behind him without being detected. Slapping her hand down on the shoulder of the three-hundred pound orang-utan who at present was watching 'orang-utan porn' on the computer, Faith cried out...

“GOTCHA!”

The orange ape gasped and jumped with surprise before slumping down in his chair and melodramatically clutched at his heart.

“Oook!” he said breathlessly.

“Aw come off it,” Faith pulled up another chair and sat down next to The Librarian, “you have a heart attack?” she laughed, “Like that's gonna happen...so what d'ya want...an' didn't I tell you about using the library without having a card?”

“Ook!” The Librarian proudly held up a university library card.

“Okay,” Faith reluctantly admitted that The Librarian was in fact allowed to use the library, “but I don't want to know where you keep that...okay?”

“Ook,” nodded the ape.

“So, what ya want?” Faith really wanted to get this over with so she could get back to Dawn before they were both too tired to take advantage of them being in the same bed at the same time.

“Ook oook ook ooooook!” explained the big orange ape.

“What!?” Faith cried at the bad news.

“Ook oook ook ooooook!” The Librarian repeated.

“Yeah I get that,” Faith replied; it had never once occurred to Faith why she could understand the ape's 'ook's', she just could.

“Ook ook?”

“I don't know,” Faith shrugged, the news The Librarian had just given her had not come completely out of the blue, it had sort of been expected ever since Giles had worked out that the legends about Tea-up-wanky weren't all just myths, “I suppose I'll tell Giles an' the others...how long have we got before it gets here?”

“Ook,” the ape replied nonchalantly.

“OOK!” Faith cried out in surprise, “Are you sure man?” 

“Eeek,” The Librarian nodded as he looked down to where Faith had a hold on his chest hair and had lifted him off his chair, “Ooook?”

“Hey, sorry man,” Faith apologised as she put the ape down and let go of his chest hair, “but like we've still got some time to get ready right?”

“Ook,” The Librarian nodded, he placed a big, comforting hand on Faith's and said, “Oooook,” rather sadly.

“Yeah, thanks man,” Faith replied absently, “y'know this is bad right?”

“Ook,” nodded the ape.

“So it would be helpful if ya didn't leave ya empty peanut shells and banana skins lying around,” Faith pointed out, “I've got important stuff like saving the world to do, so I don't have time to clean up after you, okay?”

“Ook.”

“Okay, as long as that's understood,” Faith pulled her mobile phone from the pocket of her jacket, “Okay, I better tell Giles...”

xXx

**The Giles' Residence, Saltburn-by-the-Sea, Cleveland, England.**

“Who was that on the phone, Rupert?” Olivia asked as she cleaned away the mugs form the bedtime drink they'd just had.

“Hmm? What?” Giles turned to look at his wife, his eyes totally blank and his mind a million miles away.

“The phone,” Olivia repeated slowly, “who was it?”

“Faith,” Giles put down the receiver of the land-line he'd used instead of his mobile phone.

“Oh that's nice,” Olivia smiled, she liked Faith, in fact she liked all of Rupert's 'children', but she particularly liked Faith, she was so down to earth and uninhibited, “What did she want?”

“Bad news I'm afraid...”

“How bad,” Olivia froze as she held the mugs in her hand.

“Erm...nothing for you to worry about,” Giles tried to deflect Olivia's question but she gave him a look that told him she wasn't about to be deflected. “Oh well, if you must know...”

“I'm your wife, I think I should know,” Olivia pointed out reasonably.

“Good point,” Giles admitted, but didn't actually say anything more.

“Well?”

“Ah, yes, well...” Giles took a deep breath, “...remember I told you about Teotwawki...”

“Oh yeah,” Olivia sniggered, “Tea-up-wanky....”

Giles frowned at the deliberate mispronunciation that everyone used except him.

“I thought you said that was a myth...”

“Yes I did say that, didn't I,” Giles admitted, “but further study led to some references in some rather obscure texts at the British Library...”

“Oh, so that's why we went on honeymoon to London?” Olivia asked suspiciously.

“Erm...not at first no...but,” Giles tried to dig himself out the hole he'd got himself into, “but as it turned out it sort of killed two birds with one stone.

“Killed two birds with one stone?” Olivia frowned dangerously at her husband.

“Rest assured that should we all survive the impending apocalypse, I'll make it up to you,” Giles promised.

“Apocalypse?” Olivia asked, “It's that bad?”

“I'm afraid it could be,” Giles nodded his head slowly, “it would appear that Teotwawki will arrive in the next few weeks.”

“You're sure?”

“As sure as I can be,” Giles replied quietly.

“Oh...”

“Oh?” Giles gave his wife a puzzled look, “The world's about to end and all you can say is 'oh'?”

“Well,” Olivia shrugged, “you've dealt with apocalypses before, why should this one be any different?”

“Oh yes, I see what you mean,” Giles agreed.

“Okay then,” Olivia put down the glasses she'd been holding, “no time to waste then.”

“Time to waste?”

“Stuff the washing up,” Olivia grinned, “lets get to bed, who knows when we'll get another chance!”

xXx

**The Summers-Lehane, Lehane-Summers Residence, Saltburn-by-the-Sea.**

“Tea-up-wanky?” Dawn said as Faith climbed into bed next to her.

“That's what the Ape-guy said,” Faith replied as she pulled up the covers before switching out the light.

“And you're taking the word of a three-hundred pound monkey?”

“Don't use the 'M' word!” Faith warned.

“...sorry,” Dawn continued, “and the word of a three-hundred pound ape is reliable?”

“Hey, he's the Librarian of the Unseen University,” Faith pointed out, “it's not like he's just any old orang-utan that wandered in off the street.”

“Yeah I get that,” Dawn rolled onto her side and moulded her body to that of Faith's, “but it just seems odd...I mean like why now?”

“Maybe its a punishment,” Faith said as she ran a hand up and down Dawn's thigh.

“Punishment...?” Dawn shivered slightly at her partner's touch and moaned softly, “...Oh yes please...”

“That's not what I meant,” Faith stopped stroking Dawn for the time being.

“Like, what did you mean?” Dawn started to caress Faith's breasts before disappearing under the covers to nibble at her nipples.

“Oh!” Faith squeaked in a very un-Faith-like way, “Look we've got too comfortable, too...OooooOOh!”

“What?”

“Too...” Faith sighed and then moaned in disappointment when Dawn stopped what she was doing and reappeared from under the duvet.

“You mean that because for the first time in I don't know how long,” Dawn sounded pretty angry which didn't bode well for any hell-god or demon who was out to bring about the apocalypse, “everyone's happy and we're going to be punished for it by having some big-bad bring about the apocalypse...again!?”

“Again,” Faith shrugged, she was resigned to not getting any quality Dawn-time until after they'd talked this through.”

“Bastard!” Dawn snapped.

“Hey, its not my fault,” Faith complained.

“Not you sweetheart,” Dawn kissed Faith quickly on the lips, “Do you think I ought to put in for some leave?”

“Not just yet,” Faith replied, “not until we know for sure what's goin' on.”

“We'd better tell Buffy...”

“Yeah,” Faith sniggered; ever since she and Dawn had 'civil partnershipped' each other, Faith had found the idea of Buffy being her 'sister-in-law' pretty hilarious, “but it can wait until tomorrow.”

“I wonder what she's doing now?” Dawn asked as she got back under the covers and back to Faith's breasts.

“Who cares?” Faith sighed as she lay back on her pillows.

xXx


	2. Chapter 2

**An Underground Car Park at the Cleveland Centre, Middlesbrough at more or less the same time.**

Lifting the large automatic pistol (which had been made even bulkier by the addition of a suppressor screwed onto its muzzle) in her small hands, Buffy took aim and fired twice at the vampire. There were two loud 'PHUTs', a 'double tap' as her friends in the SAS would have called it, just before the vampire turned to dust.

“And that, ladies,” Buffy glanced over her shoulder to the small group of teen slayers who were out with her tonight, “is how you kill a vamp with a hand gun,” she explained further, “Fire two bullets into the vamp's mouth, they sever the spine and hey-presto! A pile of vamp ash, it's a little like cutting its head off with a sword.”

Turning to face the second vampire that she and her trainees had got cornered, Buffy went on with the lesson.

“Of course hitting the spine every time takes practice, and sometimes you just can't get a clear shot,” she explained, “so in that case its best to go for a disabling hit.” Almost without aiming Buffy fired at the second vampire destroying his left kneecap; the vamp screamed and fell to the ground as he clutched at the ruined joint. “Remember,” Buffy warned as she advanced on the injured vamp, “Vamps heal fast so a hit to the knee might put him down for half-an-hour or five minutes. However,” Buffy fired again, this time she shot the vamp in the forehead, “a head shot will put him out of action for days or even weeks, whatever you do its best to stake the sucker before he has a chance to get up,” she cast her eyes over the little group of slayers, “Who hasn't staked a vamp yet...” her eyes fell on a tall, dark haired girl from Birmingham, “...Shelly, your turn.”

Buffy tossed a stake to the sixteen year old and let her finish off the brain damaged vamp as she continued with her lecture.

“To be honest,” Buffy explained as she made the pistol safe and removed the suppressor before putting everything into the bag that hung from her shoulder, “if I was using firearms against vampires I'd go for something like a 12 gauge pump action shotgun with incendiary rounds,” she smiled, “remember most vamps burn easily, also if you use buck shot you can take down a lot of demons too, but remember to make sure the shot is steel, not lead, again its really no different from using a sword or axe and using steel shot is totally better for the environment! Of course using a shotgun instead of having to get up close and personal, you get to kill the monster from further away which improves your chances of living to collect your old age pension....questions?”

“Erm, Miss Summers,” a blonde girl called Sparkle raised her hand, “why didn't the old slayers use guns?”

“Well,” Buffy stooped to collect her brass, “there's several answers to that question,” the spent shell casings disappeared into her bag, “First, I think there was a certain amount of ignorance and stupidity about guns within the ranks of the old Council of Watchers. Also as they didn't care about keeping their slayers alive they weren't about to put a tool into her hands that could help keep her alive for more than a year or so. You know, of all the Sunnydale slayers,” she pointed out, “only Kennedy's Watcher taught her how to use firearms.”

There was surprised mutterings from the girls as they followed Buffy to the stairs which led up to the shopping mall above the car park, with luck they'd all be able to have a milkshake or something before climbing back into the school's minibus and heading back to Slayer Central.

“Secondly,” Buffy continued, “with the best will in the world, the police forces of most civilised countries do not appreciate young women running around town with guns in the middle of the night. They tend to get a little trigger happy and I can tell you from personal experience that bullets can kill slayers just like they do normal people.”

“But you said the security forces knew about slayers and were on our side...” Sparkle reminded Buffy, “...at least they are in Britain.”

“Yeah,” Buffy agreed as they came out onto the main concourse of the mall; just for a moment she was transported back to the day she'd fought evil-alien-space-frogs on this very spot, that had been the day she'd worked with the SAS for the first time. “Yeah, people like the SAS, MI5, MI6, Special Branch and so on. The normal cop on the street just sees a girl with a gun and don't be fooled by that saying about British police not being armed. Normally they're not, but they can get hold of guns pretty darn quick if they want them.”

As it turned out they were in plenty of time to get milkshakes, burgers and fries or fish and chips. Once everyone had got what they wanted they all went to sit at a table in a secluded corner of the food hall.

“Look,” Buffy said after taking a long suck on her milkshake, “to be honest I don't like guns...I've been shot, the girlfriend of one of my best-friend's was killed by someone using a gun...but...” Buffy let the word hang as she looked at the young faces turned towards her, “...once we came up against a human cult who weren't shy about using guns. If we'd gone in with swords and such I doubt I'd be sitting here now...” she grinned to lighten the mood, “...and bayonets can be fun too!”

“But Miss Willow said we're not supposed to kill humans...” said a short, chubby girl called Becky.

“...but its okay if there's no other way...” chorused the other girls.

“The whole not killing humans thing is more of a guide line than a hard and fast rule these days,” Buffy explained, “that's rule number four remember? Right there between, never giving a sucker an even break and digging people up before you raise them from the dead.”

The girls giggled, to them the idea of raising someone from the dead was still a fairy story...they'd learn.

“Where was I?” Buffy asked, “Right, I don't like guns and if I can manage without them I will, but that's my choice. I don't expect you to do what I do just because its me doing it,” Buffy frowned to herself as she went over what she'd just said in her head, “If using firearms means you get to stay alive longer, then use them. I've only one word of caution...well several actually...don't come to rely on them too much, they're a useful tool but a terrible master...” Buffy breathed a sigh before adding, “Now I've gone on far to long and it must be near your bed time...”

The girls groaned, however a couple of the younger girls yawned.

“...come on, finish up, its time to go home.”

xXx

**The Following morning at Slayer Central.**

“Good morning ladies,” Willow called as she waddled into the classroom and sat down with a grateful sigh behind the desk at the front of the class.

It was time for another 'Introduction to Witchcraft' lecture. Looking out at the eager young faces turned towards her, Willow knew that of the ten girls there, one would turn evil or become a mental patient. Another four or five would drop out due to lack of talent, two or three would become competent witches and one (if she was lucky) might become something special. Perhaps once in two-hundred girls who passed through her class, a girl might have some real power. Perhaps the same sort of power that Amy or herself had; Willow sighed because she knew how well that had turned out; she'd tried to destroy the world and Amy was insane and on the loose somewhere on the planet. As she always did, Willow began her lecture with a short talk about what it meant to be a good or bad witch.

“A good witch never cackles,” she began, “cackling isn't just 'nasty' laughter. It means your mind is drifting away from your anchor.”

Willow had Kennedy, she was her anchor, her kite string; the young slayer kept her connected to the real world. Willow also new that Kennedy would do what had to be done if she ever turned evil again. They'd talked about it often enough over the years they'd been together, Kennedy would kill her to save the world; which was one of the reasons why she loved her so much. Willow hoped that these girls would find their own anchors, someone who loved them so much that they'd kill them if that time ever came.

“It means,” Willow continued after a short pause, “loneliness and hard work has driven you insane just a little bit at a time.”

Willow read the expressions on some of the girl's faces, they all said the same thing, 'That will never happen to me', Willow smiled, oh for the certainty of youth.

“Until the time comes when you think its normal to stop washing and wear a tea cozy on your head,” this comment always brought out some gentle laughter from her class, Willow's face showed no amusement however, “It means thinking that right and wrong are negotiable...” again Willow paused, “...at the end of that road lies poisoned apples, spinning wheels and gingerbread cottages...OH!”

Willow frowned as the dampness spread out from between her legs, that wasn't how the lecture was supposed to end. Looking down she saw the big wet patch in her lap, she heard liquid dripping onto the floor.

“Oooooh!” Willow said again as she tried to work out what had gone wrong.

“Are you alright Miss Rosenberg?” Prissy, one of the older girls asked as she stood up and started to move hesitantly towards Willow's desk.

“Erm...huh...” Willow gasped, this shouldn't be happening, not now, not for another two weeks! “Call Miss Buffy! Call an ambulance!” Willow cried as her first contraction started, “The baby's coming!!!”

xXx

**Romeo-alpha-four-two, Saltburn-by-the-Sea.**

As the 'Medical Technician' on Romeo-alpha-four-two, it was part of Dawn's job not only to ensure that the ambulance's medical supplies were fully stocked up, she also had to make sure that the vehicle itself was in proper working order. Dawn had joined the Cleveland Ambulance Service because she wanted to help people and she wanted to get out from under Buffy's shadow. Joining the CAS had been surprisingly easy; for a start there'd been no requirement for a collage education. All Dawn had needed was a good knowledge of written and spoken English, a basic knowledge of human biology and a British driving license.

All these things Dawn had when she'd joined and done her basic training. After completing her introductory courses, she was put to driving non-emergency vehicles. However, after only six weeks she was sent on an advanced driver training course; when she came back she was put straight onto emergency vehicles. True, it would take her about three years to become a fully fledged Paramedic, but with all the hands on experience she was getting assisting the paramedics who joined her on her ambulance the time when she would be the paramedic aboard her own emergency ambulance was getting closer every day.

Having topped up her vehicle's fuel tank at a local garage, Dawn had just paid with her CAS credit card when her mobile phone started to vibrate in her pocket. After carefully putting away the receipt for the fuel, Dawn dug out her phone as she headed towards her vehicle. Looking at the screen she saw that it was Buffy who was calling her. Pressing the button to accept the call she put the phone to her ear.

“Hi Buffy...” Dawn said with a smile on her lips, Buffy sounded agitated.

Coming to a halt half way across the garage forecourt Dawn listened intently to what Buffy was telling her.

“I'll be there in less than ten minutes,” Dawn told her sister as she put away her phone and ran for the ambulance.

“Hey Dawn!” Jim, Dawn's paramedic for the week, called as he turned to see her climb in behind the steering wheel, “What's the rush?”

Not bothering to answer Dawn started the engine before grabbing the radio's mike and calling her control room.

“Hello Middlesbrough Control, this is Romeo-alpha-four-two, responding to a call from a member of the public,” Dawn congratulated herself on not lying...so far, “Woman in labour at the Horatio Slayer Adventure Training School for Girls, over.”

Dawn listened to the confirmation, before switching on the emergency lights and siren.

“Woman in labour?” Jim asked, “That's hardly an emergency, her husband could drive her to the hospital.”

“She's a couple of weeks early,” Dawn informed Jim as she threaded the ambulance between the traffic in Saltburn town centre, “and there maybe other complications.”

“What sort of complications?” Jim wanted to know.

“Erm...” Dawn didn't know what to say because the 'complications' could well be 'magical' in nature, “...I'm not sure but they could be life threatening.”

“This is your friend Willow isn't it?” Jim asked after a moment, he'd heard Dawn talk about how her friend had got pregnant, “We're not a taxi service for your friends, you know?”

“I know,” Dawn replied pleadingly, “but this is Willow, she was like a mother to me after my mom died and there really could be complications.”

“Well in that case,” Jim smiled, “you better put your foot down.”

With sirens screaming and lights flashing, Dawn did indeed put her foot down and shot off through the traffic and red traffic lights.

xXx

The gate to Slayer Central swung open as Dawn's ambulance approached, the security guard on the gate waved them straight through. Not knowing where Willow was, Dawn headed for the main admin building. Sliding to a halt in the gravel covered car park outside the admin block, Dawn was greeted by Sheila, Buffy's PA who told her to go to the 'Witch Craft' building. Starting off again Dawn drove the couple of hundred yards to the 'Witch Craft' building where she drew up outside the front door and switched off the engine.

“I'll get my kit,” Jim said as he started to move, “you open up the back and get the wheel chair down, do you know where the patient is?”

“No,” Dawn shook her head, “but she will,” she pointed to the teen slayer who'd appeared from out of the building.

While Jim, followed the young slayer to where Willow was, Dawn opened up the ambulance's back doors and got out the collapsible wheel chair which was strapped to the inside of the big double doors. Getting the chair down, Dawn opened it up before wheeling it inside the building. Unlike Jim, Dawn didn't need to ask for directions, she was quite familiar with the building and the crowd of trainee witches and slayers around the door to the lecture hall sort of gave Willow's location away.

“Excuse me please!” Dawn called as she pushed the chair down the short corridor and into the lecture room; she saw Jim kneeling down next to Willow as she sat and panted on the floor.

“This is your first child, right, Miss Rosenberg?” Jim asked; Dawn was distressed to hear the slight tone of worry in his voice.

“Yeah,” Willow nodded her head, “and please call me Willow...ow...that was another contraction...”

“Okay,” Jim said reassuringly as he stood up and went to stand next to Dawn and spoke in a low voice, “Her water broke less than thirty minutes ago and she's already three or four centimetres dilated and her contractions are coming every couple of minutes or so...we better get her to Middlesbrough General.”

“On it...” Dawn nodded as she manoeuvred the chair over to where Willow sat, “Willow, sweetie,” Dawn knelt down next to her friend, “We're going to get you to the Maternity Unit at Middlesbrough General, but first we'll have to get you into the chair.”

“You'll have to lift me,” Willow whispered, “I don't think I can...owww! That was a biggy,” Willow panted, “I don't think I can magic myself...”

“No need,” Dawn grinned, “not when we've got all these slayers just hanging around.

Picking two of the older, more sensible looking slayers, Dawn had them pick Willow up and place her gently into the chair. After pushing Willow out of the building and into the ambulance, Jim got Willow onto the gurney in the back of the vehicle while Dawn secured the doors before climbing back into the cab.

“Will she be okay?” Buffy asked urgently.

“Yeah, sure,” Dawn replied as she started the engine and switched on flashing lights, “have you called Kennedy?” Buffy shook her head, “Then don't you think you should?” Dawn wanted to know.

“I'll deal,” Buffy replied, “I'll call her then get things sorted out here then I'll be down.”

The truth was, although Buffy wanted to support her best friend, she wasn't sure she could deal with the trauma of childbirth. So she was planning to arrive at the hospital just after all the messy stuff had finished.

Switching on her sirens, Dawn cleared a path through the crowd of gorping slayers and witches before heading off towards Middlesbrough General Hospital. Completing the journey in what was record time, Dawn backed the ambulance up to the doors of the maternity unit. Getting out of her seat and climbing through into the rear of the ambulance, Dawn was just in time to see Willow being wheeled into the unit.

“Good luck, Will!” Dawn called as her friend disappeared inside the building; for a moment Jim and herself just sat and watched the door as it swung shut.

“Well,” Jim sighed, “there's nothing more we can do for her now, she's in good hands, Dawn.”

“Yeah I know,” Dawn nodded her eyes still on the door.

“You've not got any children, have you?” Jim asked as he started to put the equipment he'd used on Willow back into the ambulance's lockers.

“No,” Dawn replied absently, “but I did give birth to a pterodactyl egg when I was at Junior High...”

“Huh?” Jim looked at his partner aghast as Dawn realised she'd just said just a little too much about her unusual past, she better try to cover it up.

“Umm,” Dawn hesitated for a moment as her brain raced to come up with a cover story, believable or not, “I was fifteen and it was for a science project...”

“Science project?” Jim asked thinking that Dawn must have gone to a really strange school.

“And you know what the worst was?”

“No,” Jim shook his head.

“My sister didn't believe me, she was too busy singing and dancing.”

“Poor Dawnie,” Jim commiserated, obviously Dawn still had 'issues' with her big sister, “lets get cleaned up and back out on the road.”

“Year why not,” Dawn agreed just as the radio burst into life with a request to support the Fire Brigade at a major industrial fire.

xXx

**The Rules.**  
1\. Don't Die.  
2\. Don't forget to duck.  
3\. Never give a 'sucker' an even break.  
4\. We don't kill humans? It's more of a guideline than a hard and fast rule.  
5\. When raising someone from the grave...DIG THEM UP FIRST!  
6\. One for all and all for one.  
7\. A stake in time saves nine.  
8\. Those who fight monsters should make damn sure that they don't become monsters themselves.  
9\. It's better to have it and not need it than need it and not have it.  
10\. Peace through superior firepower.  
11\. Friendly fire isn't.  
12\. If someone tells you you can't make an omelette without breaking eggs, kill them immediately (however, it is permissible for someone to say this if they're teaching you how to make an omelette).  
13\. Resistance is never futile.  
14\. Always keep a supply of press on nails handy.  
15\. Remember to keep your hand on your ha’penny.   
16\. When the time comes, go down swinging...make the bastard’s eyes water.  
17\. Keep it Simple, Stupid!  
18\. Planning and preparation prevents death.  
19\. Nuke 'em from orbit, its the only way to be sure.  
20\. The stains on your soul and on your clothes never really wash out no matter how hard you scrub. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Middlesbrough General Hospital.**

The wheels of Kennedy's candy red sports car locked as it slid to a halt in front of the barrier that restricted access to Middlesbrough Hospital's visitor's car park. Tapping the steering wheel with impatient fingers she watched as the car park attendant moved with glacial slowness from his little glass fibre cabin to stand next to her car. Opening her window, she looked up at the man.

“How much!?” Kennedy demanded shortly, she was in a hurry, she needed to be at Willow's side.

“Twenty pounds...” replied the attendant without a flicker of shame for charging so much for using the car park.

“WHAT!?” Kennedy shrieked in surprise; however, she reached for her purse but just as she was about to hand the official hospital highwayman a twenty pound note the attendant added something more.

“...for fifteen minutes,” the attendant smiled down at Kennedy nastily, “its one-hundred pounds for the hour...cash, we don't take credit cards.”

“ONE HUNDRED POUNDS AN HOUR!?” Kennedy yelled after finally believing her ears.

“That's right,” the car park attendant nodded his head before stepping back quickly as Kennedy climbed out of her car.

“Open that barrier,” Kennedy pointed at the stripy pole that blocked her progress.

“No!” the attendant replied firmly.

“Look,” Kennedy advanced belligerently on the attendant as he slowly gave ground, “my wife is in that hospital having a baby I've got to be at her side so I've got no time to mess with little tinpot dictators like you, so open that barrier!”

“No,” replied the attendant as he drew himself up to his full height.

“Right!” Kennedy turned away from the attendant and marched towards the barrier, “If you won't move it I will!”

Just as she reached the barrier and was about to use some slayer strength to remove it from her path, she heard a deep growl coming from behind her. Turning swiftly she found that the car park attendant had changed...changed into a seven foot tall demon with claws, fangs and brown scaly skin.

“Oh great!” Kennedy muttered as she launched herself at the creature.

xXx

“Ms Rosenberg's contractions are more frequent, doctor,” announced the nurse from the door to the Obstetrician's office. 

“Good,” smiled the Obstetrician evilly, “take her into the Delivery Room immediately...MAW-HA-HA!”

“I hear and obey,” replied the nurse with a slight bow to the Obstetrician as she backed out of the office.

“Soon,” the Obstetrician giggled insanely to herself, “soon...”

xXx

Having dragged the body of the car park attendant from hell into the bushes, Kennedy opened the barrier and drove her car into the car park. After parking in one of the painted bays, she climbed out once again and opened the hood of her car. With the engine where the trunk should be and the trunk where the bonnet was she had to keep her weapons in the front section of the car. Rubbing her hands together, she ran her eyes over the selection of weapons she always kept at hand; like a Boy Scout a slayer must always 'be prepared'.

“Right, so if that's the way they want it,” Kennedy picked up a newly bought katana she'd not had a chance to use yet and turned it over in her hand as she examined the long curved blade in the morning sunshine, “that's the way they're going to get it!”

Slamming the bonnet closed, Kennedy turned and marched off, sword in hand, towards the maternity unit.”

xXx

“It's a bit bare in here today,” announced the Obstetrician as she arrived in the delivery room with its cold, white, sterile walls and harsh lighting.

“Yes,” agreed Doctor Spencer the Obstetrician's ever obedient slave. 

“We need more apparatus,” the Obstetrician decided, “NURSE!” she cried as a few moments later a nurse appeared in the doorway, “Bring the E.E.G, the B.P. monitor, and the A.V.V.”

“I hear and obey,” the nurse bowed before leaving the room.

“And...erm, get the machine that goes 'ping'!” called Doctor Spencer after the rapidly moving nurse.

“Yes! Get the most expensive machines,” cried the Obstetrician in insane glee, “in case the administrator comes,” if there was one creature that the Obstetrician feared and was more powerful than even she was it was the Hospital Administrator.

xXx

Arriving at the door to the maternity unit Kennedy was brought up short by a security...well, she didn't know what sort of security 'thing' it was, but after a few moments sword play it was no longer a ‘thing’ as it lay dead on the steps leading up to the unit. Kennedy really hoped that the monster would turn to slime or something before someone noticed and called the police. Wiping her blade clean of demon goo on the ex-security thing's jacket, she marched determinedly into the maternity unit.

xXx

“That's it,” the Obstetrician chortled as she directed the pack of hell-nurses as they moved a multitude of expensive hospital machines into the room, “Bring in those other machines, put them right over here. That's it, just behind me.” she smiled as she rubbed her hands together and chortled in evil mirth, “lovely, lovely, jolly good.” she sighed, “That's better so much better.” 

“That's more like it,” agreed Doctor Spencer, not that he'd ever disagree with his Mistress. 

“Erm, there's still something missing, though,” mused the Obstetrician as she looked around the machine cluttered room.

“What?” Spencer asked as he joined the Obstetrician in searching the room.

“The Patient!” chorused the Obstetrician and Doctor Spenser as one.

“Where's the patient?” Doctor Spenser demanded of the closest nurse.

“Has anyone seen the patient?” the Obstetrician wanted to know.

“Patient?” cried Doctor Spencer as if he was calling after a lost dog.

“Here she is!” cried a nurse who'd found Willow hidden behind a bank of monitors.

“Bring it over here,” Doctor Spencer laughed almost as evilly as the Obstetrician.

The nurses wheeled Willow's gurney over to the two 'doctors' banging her into a couple of machines as they did so.

“Mind the machines!”

“Sorry, Doctor Spenser,” grovelled the guilty nurse.

“Come along, hurry!” urged the Obstetrician.

“Yes hurry,” agreed Doctor Spencer.

xXx

Things just didn't seem quite right to Willow and if she hadn't been about to give birth she might have used a little magic to move herself somewhere nicer. This was nothing like what she'd discussed with the Midwife. Having been brought to the hospital in Dawn's ambulance Willow remembered being left at the maternity unit and waving goodbye to Dawnie as a couple of hospital porters wheeled her into the building. Next the porters handed her over to half a dozen rather over eager nurses. Willow couldn't help thinking that with all the shortages the NHS was supposed to be suffering wasn't six nurses a lot for one patient?

The nurses had wheeled her deeper into the building slamming the gurney into every door as they went. Next she was wheeled into a cold, brightly lit room where the nurses roughly removed her clothes before leaving her shivering, naked and alone. Just as Willow was about to use some magic as she wished Kennedy was with her the nurses had reappeared and wheeled her into another cold, bright room filled with machines that whirred and chattered and beeped, one even went 'PING!' ever few minutes and made her feel most odd.

xXx

“Now, don't you worry,” the Obstetrician leered down at Willow as she held her gloved hands up in front of her.

“We'll soon have you cured,” Doctor Spencer smiled, but Willow thought not in a 'nice' way.

“Leave it all to us,” the Obstetrician said soothingly, “You'll never know what hit you!”

“Drips up!” called Doctor Spencer.

“Injections!” the Obstetrician ordered; Willow felt several pin pricks as nurses rammed needles into her arms, she began to feel all fuzzy and faint.

“Can I put the tube in the baby's head?” pleaded Doctor Spencer.

“No not yet, later,” snapped the Obstetrician.

“Sorry,” Spenser replied contritely.

“Okay, legs up!” ordered the Obstetrician.

Willow found her legs being lifted up by a couple of nurses while a couple more chained her ankles into position and two more nurses handcuffed her wrists to the table that she was lying on. It was at this point Willow started to panic, she tried to use her magics but nothing happened, she was trapped. Her only hope was if Kennedy arrived in time to save her!

xXx

Out in the corridor Kennedy's progress was brought to a halt by half a dozen scrubs clad nurses who blocked the corridor in front of her. Readying her sword, Kennedy felt her slayer senses scream to her that these were not real nurses, they were something much, much more evil. With a cry, she raised her sword and charged at the faux nurses who were just in the process of turning back into what they really were. Bringing her sword down onto the head of the first 'nurse' to confront her, Kennedy felt the blade jar in her hand as it bit into the monster's skull. Blood and slices of brain flew everywhere as the first nurse monster went back into hell. But Kennedy had no time to celibate her triumph over the fiend as its 'sisters' closed in around her and started to claw at her.

xXx

“Come along,” giggled Doctor Spencer insanely, “spread those legs wide, lets get this thing out of her!” 

“What's happening?” Willow moaned helplessly.

“Hmm, what?” Doctor Spencer asked as he examined a long sharp looking knife which had mystical runes inscribed into its blade.

“What's going on?” Willow asked dreamily.

“Nothing, dear,” the Obstetrician replied her voice sounding as if it came from a thousand miles away, “everything's as it should be, leave it to us you're not qualified!” 

“You're sure?” Willow rolled her head to one side and saw a particularly frightening machine, “What's that?”

“That's the machine that goes 'ping',” replied the Obstetrician as the machine went 'PING!' loudly and Willow felt even fuzzier than she had a moment ago. “You see? That means your baby is still alive...for now.”

“And it's the most expensive machine in the whole hospital!” Doctor Spencer announced proudly.

“Yes,” the Obstetrician agreed, “it cost over three million pounds.” 

“Aren't you lucky!?” grinned Spencer demoniacally.

“The administrator's here!” cried a nurse in panic.

“QUICK!” cried the Obstetrician, “Switch everything on!”

Nurses rushed to switch on all the machinery in the room, the machine that went 'PING!' pinged even more loudly and Willow drifted off into oblivion.

“Good morning,” cried Mr Pycroft as he burst into the delivery room; he was a tall man with greying hair and two little horns that grew from his forehead plus a forked tail that dragged along the floor behind him, everyone feared The Administrator, even the Obstetrician. 

“Oh, very impressive, very impressive indeed,” Mr Pycroft smiled exposing long sharp fangs, “And what are you doing this morning?”

“It's a birth,” the Obstetrician replied simply.

“I see, and what sort of thing is that?” Pycroft wanted to know.

“Well, that's when we take a new sacrificial animal out of a this witch's tummy,” Spencer explained simply.

“Oh good!” Pycroft laughed exposing even more teeth in a mouth that seemed overly crowded with them, “Wonderful what we can do nowadays.” the machine that went 'PING!' chose that moment to go 'Ping!'. “Ah! I see you have the machine that goes 'ping'. This is my favourite,” Pycroft caressed the machine with a hand that had overly long claws growing from its finger tips, “You see, we lease this back from the demon we sold it to and that way, it comes under the monthly current budget and not the capital account.”

“Masterful,” the Obstetrician congratulated.

“Thank-you, thank you, we try to do our best.” The Administrator turned to leave, “Well, do carry on,” leaving a slight smell of sulphur in his wake the Administrator was gone.

“Ooh!” cried a nurse excitedly as she peered between Willow's legs, “the vulva's completely dilated, oh great one!” 

“Oh, yes,” the Obstetrician laughed maniacally, soon she would have more power than she'd ever dreamt of, “there's the head...yes...yes...here it comes!”

“Lights!” called Doctor Spencer and a nurse switched on some more painfully bright lights and shone them between Willow's legs.

“Amplify the 'ping' machine!” ordered the Obstetrician, it wouldn't do for the witch to wake up and use her powers on them just now.

“PING!” Pinged the machine that went 'Ping!'.

“Masks up!” cried Spencer.

“Suction!” ordered the obstetrician as the sound of screams came from the corridor outside.

“Eyes down for a full house!” smirked Spencer.

“Here it comes!” the Obstetrician said quietly hardly able to contain her delight, very soon every thing that she'd ever wanted would be hers.

xXx

Out in the corridor, Kennedy killed the last demon and stepped over its body, Looking left and right, she knew Willow had to be close, she could feel her near by. Looking along the corridor ahead of her she saw that it was lined with doors, behind one of which she felt sure Willow lay. There was nothing for it, she'd have to open every door and take on whatever she found behind it if she ever wanted to see the love of her life ever again.

xXx

“And... frighten it!” the Obstetrician ordered as the baby started to cry.

“Don't forget the rough towels!” Spencer reminded a nurse as she cleaned the baby up. 

“Right! Sedate her!” the Obstetrician pointed to Willow, “Number the child.”

“Measure it, blood type it, and isolate it!” Spencer ordered the nurses as they went to work on the screaming baby.

“Done!” cried the nurse as she locked the baby into a secure steel and plastic chamber.

“Right,” the Obstetrician turned to Spencer, “time for us and the witch's brat to leave I think...”

Just then Kennedy burst into the delivery room. Covered in blood and demon goo she held her sword up high ready to strike.

“AAAAAAAGH!” screamed Kennedy full of righteous anger as she laid into the demonic theatre nurses.

Blood flew in great, bright red, glistening arcs to stain the white walls of the delivery chamber. Striking left and right, Kennedy hacked and slashed her way deeper into the room, Demon hell-nurses screamed as limbs were cut from their bodies and they fell to lie bleeding on the floor. Stepping through the piles of severed limbs and being careful not to slip in all the blood and other noisome bodily fluids. The vengeful slayer found herself standing next to the table where Willow was chained. Sensing movement behind her she turned and thrust out with her sword. The blade went right through the man to stick out his back showing a good foot of bloody steel. The man dropped the sacrificial dagger he'd been hoping to plunge it into Kennedy's back and slid slowly off the end of her blade.

“WILLOW!” Kennedy wailed as she saw what the NHS had done to her lover, “I knew we should have gone private!”

Raising her sword and using four economical swings of her blade, Kennedy cut the chains that held Willow to the table. Next she went over to the isolation chamber and broke it open. Carefully she lifted the child from its interior and rapped it in a not too rough towel that didn't have too much blood on it before turning back to Willow.

“Hi sweetie,” Willow said with a weak smile on her face when she saw Kennedy, “I knew you'd come...”

“I'm sorry I took so long...” Kennedy held the bundle containing the baby out to Willow, “...I think this belongs to you.”

“Oh!” Willow beamed down at the child as Kennedy passed it to her, “It's really a baby!”

xXx

In another part of the hospital the Obstetrician moved rapidly along the corridors as she headed for the exit. So, she'd failed, but there would be other opportunities to take the child. It was a fairly safe bet that Willow Rosenberg didn't even suspect what power her child held. But she knew, oh yes indeed. That one small bag of flesh and blood contained enough power to conquer not only this world but others as yet undreamed of. The possibilities were limitless, with that child under her knife she could conquer death itself! 

Stepping out into the early afternoon sunlight, the Obstetrician morphed back into her true shape. Stretching and making sure she was all there, Amy Madison walked unconcernedly across the forecourt to where her car was parked in the staff car park, no exorbitant car parking fees for her, she was staff. Well at least she had been for a while. Yes, she was disappointed but as she'd just finished telling herself there'd be other opportunities to snatch Willow Rosenberg's child and when she did...well the world would hear from Amy Madison again.

“MAW-HA-HA!” Amy laughed as she drove her car off hospital grounds.

xXx

“Hi!” Buffy called from around the door as she stepped into Willow's room.

The police had been called, the demon blood and goo was at this very moment being moped up and the Hospital Administrator, Mr Pycroft, had been arrested on suspicion of being a monster from the infernal regions. These days the Cleveland Police were very much more open minded about these sorts of things. No doubt after being questioned by the police, Mr Pycroft would be handed over to the slayers for 'disposal'.

“Nice room,” Buffy said as she advanced towards Willow and Kennedy clutching bunches of flowers, boxes of chocolates and a big teddy bear in her arms, “Sorry I was late and missed all the excitement.”

“Don't worry about it,” Willow replied with a smile, she was almost completely recovered from her ordeal now, “I mean there was all the blood and quite frankly I don't think I wanted you to see me with my legs quite that far apart!”

“Eww,” Buffy said quietly.

“And Kennedy killed all the demons so...” Willow grinned impishly as she reached out and took Kennedy's hand in her own, “...no biggy Auntie Buffy.”

“Oh my god!” Buffy gasped, “I'm an Auntie! Gods that makes me feel soooo old.”

“Nothing new then,” Kennedy couldn't help but say.

“Kennie, not in front of the baby,” Willow ordered, “and that goes for you too Buffy.”

“I never said a word!” Buffy complained with all the innocence she could muster.

“But you were thinking it,” Willow replied, “from now on you two must play nice...at least around the baby...”

“I take it this is the kid in question?” Buffy stood staring into the hospital crib that stood next to Willow's bed, “So, what have you got? A handsome watcher or a cute witch?”

“She's a beautiful, little baby, witch!”

“You know, I really admire you guys,” Buffy said as she smiled down at Willow and Kennedy's baby, “it's a huge responsibility looking after a kid...”

“Changing diapers...” Kennedy said, before adding pointedly, “...choosing a name.”

“I always thought Buffy was a good name...the midnight feedings,” Buffy added before looking Willow right in the eye, “you will be breast feeding I take it?”

“Well yeah,” Willow replied as she started to realise what all her responsibilities were going to be from now until...well...forever.

“So no handing the kid over to the partner or nanny,” Buffy said with a mischievous glint in her eye.

“No Nannies,” Kennedy added with a sad shake of her head as Willow's words came back to haunt her partner.

“Okay!” Willow raised her voice a little, “I know, at first it'll take some getting used to and I won't be able to do all the stuff that I usually do, but...”

“In fact it's gonna be like the end of the world as we know it...” Buffy's voice faded away to nothing as she realised what she'd just said and everyone turned to look at the baby sleeping peacefully in her cot.

The End.

Highlight and right click and listen to...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JsxavPANO8s

xXx


End file.
